canic

It i svery disappointing that when you are trying to get help, and when you really need, really looking for it, you come to the place you are sure you will get the help... you don't. Actually, instead, it destroys you even more. Makes you even more confused. You see al the dirt inside of you, but you don't know what to do with it. It is easy to say just get rid of it. Apparently, you can't do that.

I need to make myself write. It is the only thing out of very very few that actually is helping.

I haven't written in a very long time. I don't know whether it is because I am depressed, or I am depressed because I haven't written anything. But lately, it just wouldn't come out, no matter how hard i try to push it out. Mental constipation.

But lots of things have happened. J. isn't working with us anymore, he left. Another guy from our department is leaving. So it's just me and my boss now. I am the senior member of the IT. Weird how everything's changed.

Relationships. I was in a bus yesterday, going to see the guy I've been seeing for a few months now. I was sitting there, thinking that he is my boyfriend... But I don't know whether he is really. I think I am still single minded, I don't know whether I can be with anyone. I call him my boyfriend, but I dont feel it. Yes, I feel that there's someone, but I don't know what a boyfriend is. I guess years of being single would do it to you. Needless to say, we didn't have the happiest night together. It was supposed to be good - we went to ride bicycles on the west side highway. Blah blah blah, everything's pretty. But for one reason or another we got pissed off at each other. Then I noticed that he was looking at other women. Why all of a sudden i care that he wants someone else? Just the day before I knew I didn't give a damn. I knew I was better than anyone else. I knew that even if he'd look at someone else, he'd still come back to me. One day later everything turned upside down. What happened in that one day? Just a nervous break down? Is it going to end as sudden as it started?

I feel like it's more than I can handle. Finding a new apartment, empty/negative balances in bank accounts, unpaid credit cards, unpaid cell phone bills, lawyers, realtors, electricity bills, unpaid medical bills, a stack of unfinished projects, unclean rabbit's cage, mess in my room, dirty bathroom, people I hate; people I like, but can't deal with. Wow, what a full life. HIV test. STD test. Liver hurting, afraid of getting sick. Bad credit report. People pulling from all directions: Kabbalah, family, RKosti, collecting agencies. Shots on Wednesday (missed 2 weeks). Classes (missed 2 or 3 weeks). Dirty laundry. Stinky armpits (don't care anymore).

I am not someone who flies through life with joy... Or maybe I just believe in horoscopes too much.

I really do think that I am going to be single for the rest of my life. I want a family, I want children. But I have no idea how to build a relationship. I don't know how to deal with men.  I don't know what's right and what's not. I keep meeting guys. I even occasionally meet the ones I like. But it always turns into a pit of fire... if not from the very beginning then a little later. I am pulling my hair, because I started dreaming of him. Maybe some day it will work out. Maybe some day. 

I also do really feel like my age is a negative thing. Why can't I want to have a family already? Why can't I want to have children? Oh I am so young. I am so young I can't want to have children. Haw can I possibly want to have something stable in my life??? Oh how the fuck is it possible? I am a dumb stupid bitch, what do I know?

There are times when it feels so very right, but most of the time... craigslist - professional male, in medical field, is looking for someone to cuddle, watch a movie with and smoke some 420. I don't know whether it was really him. But the fact that it COULD be him upsets me so much... Yeah, it felt good to be honest. It felt fine as long as I knew he was giving me the attention. When I know he's looking for someone else... doesn't feel so good anymore. I don't think I deserve to be with anyone. I don't think I am good enough of a person to be with anyone. Doctor, what's my diagnosis? Do I not love myself enough? 

He said he couldn't make any emotional investements in me, because I might leave and never come back. Another one of those "you'll leave and never come back". Better be safe than sorry. What am I supposed to do?

I went to see him and I wanted to tell him so much, but when I saw him everything went away.

Current Location:	Home
Current Mood:	crushed
Current Music:	Wosis Diop "Everything is never quite enough"

I am freeing myself of the past. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself, but I'll try.

Many things have changed. J. is turning into an actual friend instead of an object of my affection and imagination. D. is sinking along with my past.

Unable to forgive myself I don't let myself free. I locked myself  in prison, punishing with no compassion. 

I didn't think trust was possible. I didn't think I could say "I slept with someone else" and feel good about it. No, not about it, but about the fact that I was honest, I could say it. And he understood. Didn't get upset or jelous. I didn't think it was possible to hear "I slept with someone else too" and not be pissed off. Not be jelous, but to want him even more than before, knowing that it all just doesn't matter. Not right that second anyway.

I am doing all that not to sleep around. It doesn't mean losing the connection, but means figuring out what you want. See whether it'll come back or sink into the past. If it sinks, it is too bad, but there's a chance that it won't.

I still don't know if I can fall in love with anyone. I don't even want to think about it. 

A curious new place opened up by my work called Crazy Bananas. It is a frozen yogurt place where they sell only 1 flavor of frozen yogurt and have about 10 little statues of wooden penises.
My coworker commented: "they called it 'frozen yogurt' because 'frozen juice' just wouldn't fly"

Love my work.

note: "your" means "mine"

copperpoint

TEN YEARS AGO...
(... on a cold dark night, there was someone killed 'neath the town hall light. There were few at the- Oh right... A quiz, not a sing along.) - added by copperpoint as well. I liked so I stole it.
1) How old were you?
THEN: 12
NOW: 22

2) Where did you go to school?
THEN: Private MIddle school of Barnaul (or something like that)
NOW: Web Designer.

3) Where did you live?
THEN: Barnaul, Russia 
Now: New York, US

4) How was your hair style?
THEN: Long, brunette.
NOW: Short and blonde.

5) Did you wear contacts?
THEN: no
NOW: yes

6) Did you wear glasses?
THEN: No
NOW: yes

8) Which of your pets were still alive?
THEN: my dog - Reks
NOW: At home (in Russia) - my cat. NY - rabbit Trotsky, and cat Lucy

9) Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend?
THEN: I was overweight... didn't have any boyfriends at that time 
NOW: Just seeing someone, no real relationship

11) Who was your celebrity crush?
THEN: Mikhail Boyarsky
NOW: Brad Pitt 

12) Who was your regular-person crush?
THEN: ehhh, this guy I went to school with. Name? Err... Anton ????Ostashenko????
NOW: Don't know

13) How many piercings did you have?
THEN: pierced ears 
NOW: the same

14) How many tattoos did you have?
THEN: 0
NOW: 0

15) What was your favorite band/singer?
THEN: Michael Jackson :-) 
NOW: at the moment Jem

16) Had you smoked?
THEN: Yup
NOW: yup.

17) Had you gotten drunk?
THEN: not yet. i started at 14
NOW: don't get drunk. Just get a couple drinks.

18) What kind of car did you drive?
THEN: none
NOW: None.

19) Looking back, are you where you thought you would be in 2006?
deffinitely not. I didn't think at that time.

I want a friend. A true friend who will stay no matter what. Just one is fine.

This is my choice - New York. For now. In a couple months everything could change. Everything comes and goes. NOTHING is stable. You can't depend on anything but yourself. Not even your body. It fails as well.
It is scary to find yourself in the middle of the city, realizing you feel like you are in a movie. Litteraly - people passing by, music in the headpphones - soundtrack. People you supposedly know. People people people. So many people and yet it's like a desert.
I feel like my life's about to change. I am creating space for it, but I don't know where it will go. I don't trust myself.
I don't want to dispose of people, but I guess I have to.

In a few years he'll get married.

I still owe him a dinner.

It's just a ride. I made my choices now I am gonna have to live them. Forgive myself.